Missing Home

Over the past few weeks I have found myself really, I mean REALLY missing my family. I think it all stems from my visit over spring break and my parent's recent birthdays. I was only home for a few days but many things had my emotions stirring on my ride back to Charleston.
1. Our visit with my G-mom: As my grandmother walks down the hall pushing her little walker on her way back from lunch, her face lights up when she sees James and Cate running towards her. "G-mom!" they yell. And so begin my tears (inside only of course). I walk into my 96 year old grandmother's new humble apartment in a retirement community, I have to hold back the tears. She loves her cozy little studio which is all that matters. She lives to go to the cafeteria for meals so she can visit with the other ladies. This comes from my grandmother who was still driving to bridge, church and any other social event in town less than one year ago. Life is catching up with her after 96 years. Her mini-refridgerator is covered with pictures of my children that we send her. They crawl all over her and take little rides on her sit and walk, while we visit. She couldn't be happier! She makes the comment to me that she is so happy. She thought she would miss her home, the only home I have ever know her to live in. She says she doesn't miss it for one minute. She was having a hard time filling the days, she was so lonely. We leave after many hugs, I miss yous and I love yous and I can't help but thank God that she is well in body and mind. I can only hope to have a mind as sharp as hers at 96 and a body that still lets me go to the cafeteria for my meals on my own 2 feet!
2. My family is all in Spartanburg without me: My parents are in the same house that I grew up in. My bedroom is the same bedroom that I have slept in since 4th grade. I am a grown woman with a wonderful husband, 2 children that are the center of my world and I still call 146 Mills Ave my home. It always will be. There is some comfort to be found in that although it may seem a little weird to some. Kevin used to tease me when I said that I wanted to go home, he gave up a long time ago. While I sat and visited with my parents, brothers and nieces it hit me and hard that I am the only one not home. It hurt. I am happy as can be here in Charleston, but it's not home to me still. My nieces are so close to my parents. James and Cate are too, but they miss out on the little things like having LuLu and Granddaddy at the soccer game on Saturday. Everyone is so close and I kind of felt like an outsider. My mom's heart would break in half if she knew for a second that I felt that way. It's no one's fault, 200 miles is not that far, but a lot farther than 2 miles!
3. I am becoming my mother in so many ways and I'm proud that I can say that. If only I could make my children listen to me and behave the way my mom could with us growing up. She never raised her voice, not once. I wish I could say the same!
4. My mom's advice is like solid gold to me. One day I will tell her.
LuLu's words of wisdom include:
*Take 30 minutes for yourself everyday. No one else will care if you take that time for you and no one will tell you to do it. You have to do it for yourself.
*Be proud of who you are and never veer away from that person
*Juliane... you can't say that about someone!
*Juliane... be nice
*Go to sleep, everything is better in the morning
*Tell your children no sometimes, it's ok
*Insist that your children always use their manners. It will make them successful in life.
*I am proud of you
*I am lucky to have you as my daughter
*We are two peas in a pod, you and me
*I love you so much my Jules

I didn't start writing tonight with the intention of sounding down and out. All of this and more has been sitting on my mind since I got back home and I finally felt the need to get it out. It's just for me!